Great friend Cathleen Stevenson is preparing for roles as both mother-of-the-groom and mother-of-the-bride. Her two oldest get married within a few weeks of each other this summer, and between baking handmade cherry pies and pecan pies for the future in-law dinner this evening she regaled me with a “wedding planner” business plan she and Lauren had concocted. Hang onto your tiaras:
Company motto: What the F**k Are You Thinking?
Copyright 2011, Cathleen Chandler Stevenson and Lauren Cathleen Stevenson
Package #1: THE WANNA BE: Are You Kidding Me?
*An $11,000 dress for the ceremony, including alterations by seamstresses who swear only in French
*A $7,000 dress for the reception, including an easily viewable petticoat underskirt embroidered with the mascot of the groom’s alma mater
*A custom lighting package which includes:
*Helicopters hovering above the reception site beaming in assorted colors of lasers on previously selected focal points for maximum emphasis, such as the wallet pocket of the bride’s father and his trophy wife’s jewelry and cleavage
*Chinese lanterns held aloft during the evening by miniature hummingbirds wearing golden diapers
*Hair and makeup for every single woman in or attending the wedding or wishing she was attending the wedding
*Handmade pre-revolutionary Bolivian imported glassware and teapots in case anyone in the entire room feels like tea, which will be prepared by the world’s oldest living Geisha flown in from Japan on the Concorde
Package 2: TASTEFUL NEW MONEY: Do You Have S**T For Brains?
Everything in package 1 plus:
*Every single napkin monogrammed by sustainable Cambodian villagers with your initials and only yours since the bride is the most important:
*Organically fed llamas specifically grown to provide the hair for the carpet under the tables:
*Hand blown glasses specially made by Rasputin’s descendants for the wedding party to use to take shots of pure gold lager
*Swans with surgically removed voices boxes to mender gracefully throughout the proceedings;
*Reception music provided by Michael Bolton, who will have each wrist tattooed with the bride and groom’s initials
Package #3: THE VERSAILLES: Marie Antoinette Tried This and it Didn’t End Well
Everything in packages 1 and 2 plus:
*A pre-written divorce decree in order to save time after the honeymoon;
*Mini-giraffes nestled in small cages as centerpieces on each table:
*Tiny fairies to dart in and out with jeweled silver shovels to swiftly clean up after the giraffes;
*Guest wedding favors of crisp $100 bills from an obscure mint tucked into a pouch of silk from rare singing silkworms
*All the pre-wedding plastic surgery you can handle (not responsible if you end up looking like Michael Jackson. Hey, what’s another veil on your Big Day, anyway?)
*A strapless dress so encrusted with diamonds (from peaceful countries that pay their workers really well) that your maid of honor has to hoist you up the entire time;
*foie gras (from ducks who begged to be fed) for every meal course, including dessert and a pureed version available at the bar;
And, the most-requested signature add-on is now automatically included in this package:
*Exclusive use of the private and lavishly decorated Don Corleone Room where the Bride’s father can sit on a gilded chair while various cronies, business associates and assorted toadies come to kiss his ring and various other body parts and offer their very heartfelt congratulations on the marriage of the Don’s daughter, whom they have never laid eyes on before today and will never see again. Cement overcoats, guns in violin cases, and severed horses heads are available for yet an additional charge.
Copyright 2011 Cathleen Chandler Stevenson, Lauren Cathleen Stevenson